I found a bundle of yellow papers hanging up in the Pharmacy during my July ramble through the hospital. It turned out to be the Cane Hill Yellow Pages, these being lively read about the proposed activities in the hospital for the forthcoming week - although, I'm lying about them being lively.

My meagre collection of bits and pieces was supplimented by an addition from The Laura Files. Both sets complimented each other, with her set going all the way back to the heady late 1980s. I was very excited.

Unfortunately this set of papers is mostly full of job offers, redundancies and people saying goodbye. For this set of pages, these musty yellow photocopied sheets are the only documentation of the closure of Cane Hill. So, what are the highlights?

Incidentally this write-up is meant to be both informative and amusing, but I have exaggerated the roles and activities of some people. If you're mentioned here, and there are aspects you dislike, let me know and I'll change and/or remove the references to you. It is not my intention to offend.

August 25th 1989
The Cane Hill Open Day was planned for the 11th October and preparations were in full swing. It's nice to think that the hospital had open days, because at the moment, it's just one long closed day.

The closure of Cane Hill was also mentioned being planned for 1992. The closure was blamed on Marlon Bones. But, preparations were in full swing, and they needed Finance Managers - Grade 6. Apply now.

Fire office of distinction, Ernie Townsend praised staff for a quick and speedy resolution of a fire in Salter Ward. It's a pity all concerned weren't around in 2002-2004.

And there was a Country And Western night in the Recreation Hall - cowboys and cowgirls boogied the night away until 11:00. No doubt all adjoining wards complained about the noise. Yeee haarrr.

September 15th 1989
Barry Vine was selling his nippy Renault 5 "Event" with "Event" livery and seeing how many mentions he could get in Yellow Pages.

Nightingale Resocialisation Centre was moved to Lettsom ward. Just in time as well - the SAS blew it up several years later.

September 29th 1989
The Fun Raising Luncheon took place in the Pop Inn with poping hot jacket potatoes and Grandma's home made farmhouse soup and french bread. Barry Vines was also raising money for the Christmas Tree appeal although I don't understand why they just didn't lop down one of the thousands of trees in the grounds and drag that in.

Faraday Ward was overrun by children taking part in their Junior Citizen Competition. I understand this involved running away from people. Nothing really changes as Cane Hill.

At the Social Club, the Benn Brothers were on Friday and The Hobo Brothers were on Sunday. What fun they must have had.

Barry Vines also reported that the Pop Inn will be closed for three days for the proposed "Wash Down". Obviously Grandma's home made farmhouse soup and french bread was presumably pretty toxic stuff. Three days just to clean it? They should see the state of it now.

November 17th 1989
Cane Hill diaries were still available, now being pushed as "The Bargain Of The Year". Whilst I recall 1989 with fondness, I don't remember this particular bargain of the year. Must've passed me by.

The Country And Western night was a great success and Barry Vines was both thanked and got his mention in the Yellow Pages. Yet again.

December 8th 1989
Barry Vines (who?) was organising a raffle for some fundraising venture. First prize was a wine rack. Which, as the compeition was open to the 'residents', was probably a little bit cruel as the winner presumably won't be allowed to stock it with wine.

A canteen working party was set up to look into the problems of the staff canteen. Considering that it took three days to wash the Pop Inn, then the canteen was probably in a dreadful state. Ernie Townsend and, guess who, Barry Vines got it sorted.

February 9th 1990
Barry Vines thanked.... well, he got his mention, that's the main thing.

"Please do not leave internal telephones off the hook as this caused the system to reroute calls through the wrong extension." Cue all phones left off the hook in a fun game of telephone Russian roulette.

Rossetti Ward closed and became Chaucer Ward. The ceiling fell in ten years later.

May 11th 1990
Not a fun packed issue this time, and I couldn't find any mention of Barry Vine. However Ernie Townsend wanted to know about any issues/incidents relating to "pests".

Pests?

June 22nd 1990
Both adaptors from our hose have been stolen by someone obviously too tight to buy their own. TYhey were part of a generous donation from the Visitors And Friends for use with patient activities. If the thief gets a pang of conscience, you could always send them back to us, we would be very grateful.

Dreadful news.

Pests?

November 9th 1990
A landmark issue as far as I'm concerned. In a move to outdo the ever-present Barry Vines, Joe Calvert started his infamous security drive, asking everyone to wear their badges. He also told off people for parking at Glencairn or the SASS unit. Two mentions!

Pests? Garlic bread? It's the taste of the future!

November 23rd 1990
A dull issue full of quality assurance notices and Joe Calvert's security notices. It does get pretty desparate, complete with a paragraph on the dangers of Clingfilm. I doubt staff stopped looking forward to the next issue with such gusto after this.

Pests? Marlon Bones?

June 6th 1991
Under the title of "Squirrel Saga", the anti squirrel eviction league happily reported that Sammy Squirrel evaded capture successfully. Due to security reasons they couldn't say which tree he lived in, but visitors and friends were quite welcome to drop in.

So, Sammy was the first of the animal infiltrators - he could've waited until the place actually closed. It did not do him well however.

In other news, congratulations were offered to George Stookes on being appointed the Deputy Hospital Manager at Cane Hill. Polite applause. But, I hate to piss on your parade George, but the place is closing in two months.

Neville Mignotte was appointed staff counsellor, whilst Joe Calvert reminded all that "if strangers on the Hospital Site arouse suspicion, please contact the front hall immediately". Chilling words, especially as suspicious strangers set fire to the front hall a decade later.

And please, remember to wear your identity badges. Thank you.

June 12th 1991
"Barry Day is leaving, what more can we say?
He is leaving all his friends behind, in search of better pay."
No Barry, you're leaving because the site is closing. (Barry was the Deputy Hospital Manager in case you're wondering. It is definitely making me wonder, I can tell you.)

"There was a young man from Cane Hill,
Who decided he had got has fill (sic),
He is going away, I think its today,
but he is going with all our Good Will".
No, you're leaving because the site is closing - who writes this stuff anyway?

"The library has now moved to the X-Ray Department but will continue to function in the usual way." Pardon? The X-Ray Department will function in the usual way. Or the library? Very confusing all this moving about. No wonder we never found the library.

"He is going off to Chester, and someone else to pester." And with that, this little couplet ends, the writer now doubt trying "Dester, Mester, Rester" and other combinations before giving up with a half-hearted "that will do".

"Sammy The Squirrel is on the Costa-Del-Chestnuts for the next three weeks, so he will not be at Cane Hill to entertain visitors." Really? I looked forward in the Yellow Pages and there was no more mention of Sammy. I can only assume that the final act of Cane Hill cruelty was evident for those who care to read between the lines - Sammy The Squirrel was now pushing up the chestnuts. Sad news indeed.

Joe Calvert was banging on about security and strangers again, and reminding everyone, again, to wear their identity badges. Right!

June 20th 1991
Joe Calvert went on holiday - probably nervous exhaustion brought on by strangers and identity badges.

Barry Day was back, even though he'd left the hospital for two weeks. "I would like to send a huge thank-you to all the staff that so kindly contributed towards my leaving gift." (What was that - a map?) " If you ever want windsurfing lessons please let me know." (What did they buy him - a bucket of water and a sail?)

It was a sad week because Top To Toe Boutique announced its closure at the end of June. A little premature because it was definitely wide open in July 2002 - and boarded up in December 2002.

Top To Toe Boutique blamed Marlon Bones for its closure.

June 26th 1991
Barry Vines was taking leave from July 1st to July 5th. Whilst this seems a trivial piece of information, Barry Vines is definitely a man worth tracking down. Why? Because he had a collection of interesting Cane Hill artefacts: "I have been asked to arrange another display of the Historical Artefacts on Friday July 12th 1991 in the Committee Room from 10am to 11.30am. Anyone interested in the changed in Cane Hill over the years will find this very interesting."

Absolutely. What happened to these artefacts? And where's Barry Vines now? We must find out. And why did he only run his display for 90 minutes?

Joe was back, refreshed from his holiday, and reminding everyone about security badges, strangers, report to Front Hall, blah, blah, blah...

In fact, he added an additional paragraph, again about security passes. We've got the message. No doubt he spent his entire holiday fretting about security and the place being broken into.

Probably July 3rd, 1991
The next yellow pages had an impressive double-width double-height banner, which suggested that someone had purchased a new Epsom dot-matrix printer. Obviously the writer was so pleased with their new letterhead, they completely forgot about a date - so I assume this is from the start of July.

Ah, July, when the grounds of the hospital sweltered in the hot afternoon's heat, the swimming pool temperature rose above 0 degrees, Sammy's little body decomposed in his mossy grave, and Simple Minds toured the Real Life album around the UK.

This issue sported the poem by a patient on Blake's ward. Indeed, it was in Blake's that I found the piece of paper for the Last Words section.

Aerobics classes were being held in the Main Hall. I'd love to do a bit of Jazzercise at Cane Hill, but I'd probably trip over the rubble or fall through the floor whilst going for a particularly fierce plie.

Joe was back, but was more interested in a back passage. Yes, the back entrance of Cane Hill by Portnalls road was to be closed at the weekend. This would become his next obsession.

July 11th, 1991
The yellow pages now came resplendent with the new banner and date - I guess there were complaints since the last issue.

Nightingale Ward was flogging a load of bits and pieces. These included home made marmalade, fashion items (unspecified what these were, but I bet they were distinctly unfashionable), houseplants and other odds and ends.

Security passes? Tags? Keys from the front desk? No, all Joe Calvert could think about now was the rear entrance, and its tedious opening and closing it. (Closed from 10:00PM on Friday through to 5:00 on Monday, but open between 12:30 and 3:00 on Saturday and Sunday. This is exciting stuff!)

July 18th, 1991
Interestingly, and in some weird state of denial, there was an announcement of a Charity Luncheon in the Pop Inn Social Centre on July 24th for the Christmas Extras. Who on earth was going to still be in the place for Christmas? Anyway, they were offering a seafood platter at prices you could afford. This was heavily emphasised - obviously previous attempts were probably at prices no one could afford.

Joe Calvert repeated his back passage announcement from the previous week - however, this time it was ALL IN CAPITALS AND IN BOLD. I look forward to how he'll present this next week.

The management graciously decided to donate £4 per person for their farewell parties in September. No doubt most would be eating unwanted seafood platter from the Charity Luncheon.

July 24th, 1991
Not much happened this week - probably because everyone was so chilled out on the new relaxation classes being offered. But Joe Calvert came up trumps again with his back passage obsession.

Amazingly Marlon Bones escaped being blamed for anything happening this week. Which was a first.

July 31st, 1991
Again, a dull issue, but with most of the staff now taking summer holidays. But Barry Vines was the star of this issue, opening the Pop In Centre on Sunday - probably the last flouting of some institutional rule in the last month of the hospital.

Is it worth mentioning that the back drive will be closed on Friday at 22:00 and reopened... no, I didn't think so. But Joe Calvert definitely did.

August 6th, 1991
Nothing to add really, except the status quo was being upheld. Joe Calvert was ruthlessly opening and closing the back gate, oblivious to the number of strangers and weirdoes walking around without passes, Barry Vine was selling huge quantities of sweets, cold drinks and cigarettes at all hours from the Pop Inn, and they were still having their charity luncheons for Christmas in there as well.

Did someone do an 'Arthur Fowler' with the Christmas club money? Unlikely - as there was no Christmas club.

August 13th, 1991
Well, the patients were hard done by this week, as it was decided to sell all their library books. So, no wonder we never found any in the hospital. Tip To Toe Boutique was also flogging everything not nailed to the wall.

Joe Calvert reminded everyone about the back gate. Again. In capitals. In bold.

August 21st, 1991
Betty Deshmukh closed the Pharmacy for a couple of days, so I guess everyone had to stock up on aspirin. However, I would like to thank Betty - for this was her clutch of Yellow Pages that I saved from the hospital in July 2002.

Barry Vines, fresh from flogging ciggies and sweets at the Pop Inn, was now flogging clothing in the Committee Room. It seems that he was selling anything and everything he could in the hospital.

The hospital shop were having a "Farewell Drink" on the 6th September - it wasn't actually going to close until the 27th September, but I think they all wanted a huge piss up. And they probably had nothing to do anyway, since Barry Vine seemed to be doing quite well for himself via the Pop Inn.

Joe Calvert messed up his opening and closing times of the back gate, needing the application of Tipex and biro to the Yellow Pages. I believe he was completely foiled by the bank holiday, thus necessitating the closure of the gate on Monday. (Just how dull is this getting?)

August 28th, 1991
The last fund raising luncheon was to take place on the 4th September 1991 in the Pop Inn - obviously someone wised up to this weird Christmas fund sham.

Joe repeated his message about the back gate, although why someone didn't just drive through the thing and thus end the monotony isn't known. The editors of the Yellow Pages were obviously a little fed up as well - and were refusing now to print it in capitals or bold.

Some reconditioned hospital beds were on display in the Main Hall for three days. Why? What was the reason for this?

September 6th, 1991
A very slim issue this one. Nightingale Ward (also known as the Socialisation Unit) was to close on Fridays. And apart from all that back gate nonescene, that was it.

September 11th, 1991
"I would like to take this opportunity to thank both residents and staff who have supported the Centre of the years and also the staff who have supported our "Fund Raising Functions" especially June Lish and Jo Barry for their excellent support which has enabled me to further develop services in the community. The Pop Inn Social Centre will close down on Thursday, 26th September 1991 at 12:30 PM and cease trading."

So wrote Barry Vines, saying goodbye to days of flogging ciggies and sweets at all hours.

(Note that "Fund Raising Functions" was in quotes - nudge, nudge, wink, wink.)

Janet Galliven, the Cane Hill hairdresser, was leaving on the 26th September, thus plunging the whole of Cane Hill into one long bad hair day.

Medical books had to be returned to the library promptly so they could be flogged on Monday 16th September. I guess most people simply held onto them.

The Social Club arranged an Extraordinary General Meeting on the 18th September to discuss the disposal of assets... this is all getting rather sad now, and even Joe Calverts message about the back gate failed to cheer me up.

September 20th, 1991
This, to my knowledge was the last issue. Spirits were being flogged by the Social Club (I'm sure the patients had a great time that week), the medical library was being dispersed, staff were told not to overfill the black bags supplied to clear their desks, and Joe Calvert informed everyone about the opening and closing of the flipping back gate - I'll never look at that gate the same way again.

Marlon Bones was blamed for everything. Again.

They certainly added a bit of life to the empty, rotten buildings that I now explore - it's now difficult to think of Cane Hill as a vibrant, happy place with a Social Club and Pop Inn Centre, but this motley collection of yellowing paper supplied the briefest glimpse of how it all was.

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